John's Getting Hitched

I recently received some news that surprised me, and also made me reevaluate the last three years of college. I am not John Carr's best man. I know, it shocked me too. The expected phone call never came. For weeks I sat down every evening by my phone and waited patiently for it to ring and hear my former housemates voice gleefully informing me of my honor and duty to be his second, his right hand, his brother at arms per say. But as time passed and I did not receive a call, it began to dawn on me that perhaps I hadn't been selected. Then I heard the news, and it was concrete. As you can imagine, I took this pretty hard. As a last ditch effort to vault myself into the best man spot, I have included the following Best Man Speech, which I have been planning for the past few years. Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends, Family and other various wedding attendees. I consider it an honor to be speaking here at the Wedding of a man who considers me to be his closest friend and confidant, yes, I am speaking about the illustrious John Carr. *Hand motion towards John* Now many of you probably think you know John pretty well. I would like to ask you tonight to reconsider. I want you to question how well you actually know John Howard Carr, son of The Colonel and Mary Carr, originally of Ohio. *wave to all Carrs in attendance* You see over the past two years, I learned a lot about John Carr. Some things I would rather forget, but most were educational, and gave me deep insight into the heart of the groom. *pause for dramatic effect* First, a lot of people would consider John "abrasive" *finger quotations* or "intimidating," *finger quotations* but these could not be farther from the truth. John Carr and Becca Fitz *acknowledge Becca* are the two nicest people I have ever met. You may not know it first with John, but maybe one day John says something to you that cooks your grits, and you lash out in anger. John is the kind of guy who hates there to be friction in relationships, he immediately tries to solve the problem and make things right. Secondly, a lot of you might be thinking, "John's too hipster and fashion chic to be my best friend." And let me tell you right now, you are correct. John is the second most fashionable guy here, second only to me. If you've ever wondered how John went off to college and his wardrobe suddenly consisted of more than ripped HaRdCoRe t-shirts, it's because he started wearing my hand me downs. As some of you may know I gained a significant amount of weight in college, and had to get new clothes. Well, the old ones had to go somewhere, and John jumped on the opportunity. *jump forward playfully* Third,a lot of you may be under the impression that the surfboard hanging on our house is because John is the "surfer". Well, kind of, there's two of us, and right now you're looking at the good one. *shred knucks* Since this information may be coming as a shock to some of you, I've included some time here for a moment of silent reflection... Well.. what more can I say? John you're a great guy, and I am happy you consider me your best friend. It's been a pleasure watching you grow and mature these past few years, and best of luck to you and Stef in the future. Can't wait for the three of us to leave on the honey moon tomorrow, Florida Keys here I come! To John and Stef *toast* In all honesty though John, I speak for all the housemates when we say we're proud and excited for you to start this new season in your life. We can't wait to be reunited at your wedding, and to support you in this next step. We love you, miss you, and in a couple weeks after a 20 hour bus ride, we'll see you again.