I have a love/hate relationship
with Blacksburg weather. Always surprising and shifty like a jungle cat, I love
to live life on the edge, and the conditions in Blacksburg are always an
adventure. Every Fall and Spring, waking up is filled with wonderment, will the
rain continue until you start to consider building an ark and gathering two of
each neighborhood animal? Will it be 80 degrees in mid-November? One never
knows. What I do know, is that when the cold hands of Mother Nature descend
upon the Burg, they come with a vengeance and are here to stay. The question
remains unanswered as to why people respond to the frosty weather in the ways
they do, but it is a fact that cold weather conditions never fail to cause
people to dress in alien fashions which I do not understand. So, in the style of
David Letterman, here is my top five list of dumb winter weather apparel.
5. Thin Virginia Tech
sweatshirts. I know that at least 50% of college students seem to own the
classic Jansport sweatshirt in maroon, gray or orange with Virginia Tech
stamped boldly on the front. Though these are a great asset for those
not-quite-cold-only-slightly-chilly Fall days, midwinter they allow the icy
tundra drill field winds to cut through you like a knife through butter.
Fashion must take a backseat to warmth, no matter how much the Hokie Spirit has
come upon you.
4. Shorts. Its -13
degrees outside. You may want to have feeling in your legs in the next week or
so.
3. Ugg Boots. They look like elephant feet. Don’t act like
you don’t see it. Although I have never worn MUggs (Man Uggs) and cannot attest
to how warm or comfortable they are, I do have eyes and can see that they are
solely composed of cottonballs and recycled yoga mats. Blacksburg winters guarantee
precipitation on the reg, and these boots clearly cannot stand up to the
demands which the lakes of sidewalk slush daily make.
2. Pajama bottoms. Flimsy and unflattering, this fashion
faux pas leads to nowhere but despair for the wearer and onlookers during the
harsh winter months. I was a freshman once, and the temptation to wake up 3
minutes before a class, slip on shoes and go is one I can relate with. However,
with experience comes wisdom, and I can confirm that these comfy monsters do
little to negate the wind, rain, or ridgelines of the nether regions. Heed this
advice and turn away from the appeal fellas. You’ll thank me later.
1. Yoga Pants/Leggings. These are the most unrealistic
clothing item that any college student has ever dared to wear in Blacksburg
winters. Now, speaking from familiarity, there isn’t much nicer than a set of
UnderArmour heat gear to keep everything down below warm and cozy. I can
promise though that there is always a layer safely on top of these conforming
insulators. Girl leggings and yoga pants are a different story. Constructed
without considering things like warmth, effectiveness, or decency; there is no
chance that the millimeter of fabric stretched over the southern hemisphere of
your body is providing any protection from the wind or the carnivorous eyes of
your male classmates.
What do I recommend you ask? Layers. There’s hardly a worse
feeling than walking from frigid conditions into a classroom which has been
conserving heat since last June. You do not want to be in McBryde at 9 in the
morning pouring sweat because of your thick woolen sweater. Layers are the answer. Shed ‘em when you don’t
need ‘em, use ‘em when you do. Take a page out of Shrek’s book and consider the
majestic onion.
At the end of the day however, I am no fashion or heat
transfer expert; just a simple man, trying to stay as warm as possible. As
winter arrives, wear what you want; you’re all intelligent adults and can
decide what garment will or will not prevent you from having frostbite come
evening.
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